I stopped posting on this blog in September last year, 2017. It was an easy decision to make then. There were specific reasons I stopped posting, but at the time I couldn’t articulate them. In this post, I’m going to articulate why I stopped posting—but first I’ll share a little bit about my history because it is related to why I stopped posting.
My living parents are diplomats. They travel around the world. When I tell people about their work and my childhood, people say something like, “What a cool life to live!“. They’re right. It was cool. However, my parents’ lives and work always came before my life.
Until my mid-thirties, I had no idea who I was. I felt no value. Then when I turned 33, I started on a journey of learning to love myself. It felt as cheesy as it sounds. People would often observe that I was overly positive. I seemed fake. I would often subconsciously say, “Fake it until you make it!“.
My first inclination to learn to love myself was to find someone else to love me. I failed miserably. Looking back, it would’ve been hard to love someone who had no idea who they were, seemed fake, and was having conversations with themselves—“Fake it until you make it!“. It makes sense upon self-reflection that I didn’t find anyone to love me for a longer term.
My second inclination to learn to love myself was by letting go of memories that made me not love myself. I road thousands of miles on a bicycle—mostly in solitude. I let out a lot of emotions during that time. I sometimes cried on the road. I got upset sometimes. I told myself, “All of your pain—put it on the road!“. I was able to let old emotions go, and I did find a part of myself that I didn’t know before. It wasn’t what I expected. I imagined my journey would matter to others. It didn’t. It was my journey. It only mattered to me. Besides letting go, while riding my bike in wilderness I saw so much beauty. By letting go of emotions and enjoying beautiful solitude, I had more to give when I was around people.
After getting injured cycling, I felt done with trying to love myself by hoping someone else would love me or escaping my past. I started to feel acceptance for myself. I felt aware of my personality traits. Some of my personality traits need improvement but I have some very strong strengths as well. I came up with a few slogans for myself—my truths: “I’m a disciplined person who strives for honesty. I’m dedicated, satisfied, and want to feel good. I listen and confront problems when needed—even if it is hard to do.”.
Here’s why I stopped writing posts: last August, I realized that the respect I hoped for through my dedication to design, exercise, and software might never come. Through learning to accept myself and starting to love myself—I accepted that.
I had felt for a while when writing posts last year that my posts were like whispers in the wind. It was tough to realize that. I had fantasized since childhood that someday my dedication would matter to a wider audience. I somewhat secretly hoped that the invisibility I felt in reality, was a case of circumstance. I fantasized that through effort in my passions that I would find a clan where my ideas would matter. That fantasy motivated me but I realized I needed to let it go.
It was disheartening to think that I might never have a clan and that my journey (written about in paragraphs above) to loving myself did not lead me to more friendship, love, fame, or riches. However, it felt good to know myself and begin to love myself. It felt good to know that I am who I want to be!
After accepting that posts I was writing may not ever help find a clan or reach a wider audience, I decided to find excitement and passion in others’ writing, videos, and work. I worked hard to listen more and find beauty and knowledge in other peoples words. Months went by without writing posts. I was able to maintain excitement about my passions and have acceptance about my lack of clan. I think that was another phase of loving myself—loving myself in loneliness.
I realized over the last year that by not writing my own posts, I lost my perspective for how I feel about what I’m passionate about when I stopped posting. My perspective helps me to learn, maintain timelines for my memories, and retain what I’ve learned! So, I am posting again! My goal is to keep my posts a little longer than a tweet with information about my life and/or my learnings. That’s it! That’s how I found meaning in my meaningless.